Most professional and aspiring illustrators I know want to do illustration for a job and feel lucky when they get to do it. In some sense, this is logical: it does seem fortunate that someone would pay someone else to do what we’ve been doing since we were a child; drawing or painting. In many ways, it sounds like a dream-come-true.
But, is that what’s really happening?
As a child, I drew because I wanted to, not because I needed to put food on the table. I made marks that made me feel good without thinking whether someone else would think they were great (or not) let alone whether someone would pay me for them. Knowing what I know now, this sounds a lot like a pure art practice.
Drawing for one’s livelihood is entirely different.
I’ve spent the last 9 months or so living the dream of drawing and painting for a living and I’ve come to realise that illustration-as-a-job is not for me. At least not right now.
When illustration work is my primary source of income, it sucks the joy out of it. It’s taken a lot of self-reflection to admit that I don’t feel lucky; I just feel like a component on a production line with some art supplies.
I’ve also realised that any attempt I make at drawing for fun (something I (used to) do a lot of) when it’s also my primary source of income, is too tightly woven with the possibilities of financial compensation. So, what used to be clear space for self-expression and art in its truest sense has been ‘colonised’ by thoughts about how what I make for fun may interface with the market and eventually lead to money.
So, I am lucky but in a different way. I have the privilege and education to create this separation for myself. To choose to separate my art from commerce. Not everyone has that.
But, I’ve also felt guilty about it. I, like many others I know, have also romanticised the ‘full-time illustrator’ idea a little too much in my mind with thoughts like, “I should feel lucky anyone’s paying me at all for my paintings and drawings”. Choosing to not do that feels like I’m going against what’s supposed to be a dream. But dreams are precisely dreams because they don’t match reality. I don’t know what it’s truly like for others, but for me, full-time illustration isn’t a dream, it’s a job. I prefer to make money a different way so that I can maintain the sanctity of my art practice, even if it costs me cultural relevance or visibility of my work.